The epiphany

Know what I realized this morning? I don't like my house. Actually, the house is okay. But I made so many compromises when I bought it, that now I'm not really happy there. I got a better deal with a USDA loan, but it dictated where I could buy. So I ended up way out on west side of Nashville, where I know absolutely no-one. All of my friends, including the boy, live on the east side. Granted, the commute is much better than it would have been on the east side but it limits my social activities quite a bit.

I also wanted a place that was private enough that my cats could become outside animals again. I'm living in town. A town with more feral cats than sense. A town that seems to collect pit bulls. On a street that. . . well that brings me to the next point.

I HATE MY NEIGHBORS! Bunch of drug dealing derelicts, living off the government and my taxes. I don't know if any of them have jobs. The family across the street does. But they still live like bums. Umpteen cars, and never mow their lawn. I wanted enough land to where I didnt' see my neighbors.

I bought in town because my father kept talking about the dangers of living alone. Dangers? See above. I'm in more danger in my own yard from pit bulls & drug dealers. Biggest danger of living in the middle of nowhere? Mowing my own yard. Seriously. Its not like my neighbors would check on me.

Oh, and then there is the guy who mows my yard. Creepy, but cheap. I would rather mow my own very big yard. Get me a riding mower, a hat & a cool drink, and I would be in the zone.

What else? Oh, the kids seem to think that my yard is public property. I just want to fence the whole thing up.

So I have decided to not make any more major investments in the house. I'm going to fix a few things that have to be fixed, and maybe do a couple of cosmetic investments. Carpet, definitely. Maybe new countertops, just to update it. But I am going to start sticking money in an account just to cover closing costs on selling it. I don't care if I have to go back to renting for a while, after that. My next house will be what I want. By the time the real estate market comes back, I should be in good shape. I will have to tolerate the situation for a couple of years, I guess. But I can do that. Maybe. On the other hand, maybe I could start calling the codes department on some things on my street. :)

Back from the Beach!

 This was the view from our condo. Beautiful, huh? :) Every morning, I would sit on the balcony and watch the manta rays (sometimes in groups as big as 50!), sometimes dolphins, and even a manatee one morning. It was great.

My oldest friend, and the boy got along well. They have nothing in common, except me so I was very, very nervous about it. It could have been a disaster. But they did okay. We went putt putt golfing, to a haunted house, to a winery (YUMM!!), and a sunset dolphin watching cruise.

The vacation was good, but it's weird how it compares to prior trips. For my friend, M & I, I would say it was one of our best vacations ever. We've never done much more than beach, shop, eat out & read. She can be pretty 'sedate'. So this was a pretty big departure from our normal vacation. And I think it was great! We had a really good time. I hope that future trips will be similar.

Now for the boy. We had a good time, too. But when it was just us, we sat on the balcony every evening, and talked. And talked. And talked. We talked about everything, politics, religion, family, futures, pasts...you name it. We talked about it. Kind of hard to do that when there is someone else around. We were able to talk after she went to bed, but it wasn't much. I missed that. Plus, when he was cooking before, we had a whole routine going. It worked for us. I don't know if I can describe what it was that missed in this vacation. The intimacy maybe? (yeah, no comments from the peanut gallery) It was still good but different. His current tour schedule ends on 10/22. I think I found a condo for the week after that, so maybe we can go again. Just us. We'll see.

Got back from vacation with the enrollment information for an online class waiting for me, along with my first homework assignment. Oh joy. Working on a new certification. I'm just not in the mindset right now. But I better get into it. Company is paying for it. :)

All of my plants are doing well. The tiger lilies are bloomin, big & orange. The delphiniums are a beautiful blue. The yellow yarrow is still blooming, and the red yarrow is getting close. The gaura is so pretty, with pink blooms against the dark leaves. I love it. I'm hoping the jasmine starts blooming again soon. The scent is wonderful. And the veggies are doing great, with lots of blooms so hopefully I can save some $$$ at the produce dept this year.

Well, that's enough for now. Enjoy the pics. My friend, M is an amazing photographer.

Spring - the evening of. . .

I have planted four red yarrow, two yellow yarrow, one star jasmine, and two delphinium.  I have spread 6 bags of topsoil, and planted 8 red bell peppers, 8 green bell peppers, 8 roma tomatoes, and 6 banana peppers, plus parsley, cilantro and 2 jalapeno peppers.  Still have canteloupe & watermelon to go, but it was getting really dark outside.  I hope everything makes it.  Have you seen the price of the peppers in stores?! 

Between the cleaning, and the planting, I am gonna be SORE tomorrow.  Think I will be taking an epsom salt bath tonight. 

Yard guy came back tonight.  This morning, he had finished the job from Monday & mowed the lawn.  He had mentioned a solution for one particularly wet spot in the yard, involving some pruning and cutting back of bushes, and taking out one small tree.  I did not tell him I wanted it done today.  I'm sitting on the porch thisevening, talking to my Mom & he shows up with the tools.  Tells me it will "HAVE to be another $15 to do that job".  I tell him that it will have to wait.  And he keeps going on, and on about how much work it will be.  Fine.  (It's work that will have to wait.  I've spent a hundred dollars on yard stuff this week, not counting the stuff bought with gift cards.  And besides, I have my own daggone loppers.  I can prune the bushes myself, for FREE.)  Anyway, I'm sitting there with my phone to my ear and he keeps talking.  I finally had to tell him that I'm talking to my mother.  Could he not SEE the pink phone next to my ear?  Grrr....

Back to work tomorrow.  Oh the joy. . . :)

Spring!

I decided that yesterday was done.  Time to move on!  I got up, checked out one of the churches here in town, came home and started cleaning.  Office is picked up, although the desk could use some straightening.  Guest room is cleaned up, de-cluttered, de-junked (we're not going to talk about the closet, okay) and the linens are in the washer.  My pet sitter sometimes spend the night when I am out of town and I have a long trip coming up.  (YAY!)  The room had a definite musty odor to it, so I sprayed the carpet with carpet foam, and I am waiting for it to dry to give it a final vacuum.  I was hoping I would run across some things to give to the flood victims, but I am one of those who cleans out the closets and drawers on a pretty regular basis.  And my furniture isn't all that great. With the exception of my desk and bed, plus a secretary, everything else was used when I got it.  And not necessarily gently. :)  But my time can be donated, and I plan to do so this week. Some through work but I really want to get involved here in my town.  Hands On Nashville really has Nashville covered well, so I would like to give locally. 

In that closet, I have a ton of craft stuff.  Fabric galore (and I got rid of a bunch of it a few years ago), and a lot of yarn.  I really need to start working on that stuff.  Or give it away.  I just don't know who you give that stuff to anymore.  I have several pieces of Christmas project materials though.  I think there may be some gifts to be made this year.

11 days until beach time.  Not that I'm counting or anything.

Sigh. . . .

I don't post here often, I know. Mostly just when I want to say something I can't say on facebook. I'm just frustrated with some things. And ashamed that it bothers me, when other people have such serious things going on in their life.

This morning, I woke up feeling really good. Sun was shining, it wasn't too hot, and I was going plant shopping. :) I love to garden. I was so looking forward to slipping some veggie plants in with my flowers, spreading the soil, digging and getting dirty in that way that you can only get when growing things. Seriously,I love the smell of dirt when I am planting so I was really happy. And I needed that. Watching the devastation here in Nashville this past week has been so emotional for me. I finally had to turn off the news, and take it in small doses.

Anyway, morning was looking great. Then I sign on to facebook. Message in my inbox. Hmmm...Mom? Sister? (she's finally forgiven me.) College roommates about our upcoming weekend trip? Nope. None of those. My ex-husband. Yet another email about how he's going through yet another 12 step program, and needs to make amends. You know, I thought I had gotten to that point where I could say I've forgiven. Not forgotten but forgiven. Obviously not, because that email has bothered me all day. I hate it. I don't believe it. I think he is fishing for a weak spot. Thats the kind of person he is. He's looking for an opening. Sound bitter, don't I? God, I thought I had moved past that. I really had. I want to wish him well. I wish I believed he was really trying this time. But I don't. I can't. And I hate that he had the power to change my mood.

Then I checked my voicemail. I forgot that I had a message from yesterday. It was my doctor's office. Last year, just before vacation in Sept, I had my first mammogram. When I got back, they called and had me come in again because they saw something. Then again three months later. And again last month. That was supposed to be the last one. But now they want another one in six months. And the doctor wants to see me on the same day. I work for a cancer care company. Every day I walk pass a picture of one of our first patients. She agreed to be a part of a breast cancer project, the one where women posed nude after a mastectomy. I hear stories all the time. So that phone call terrifies me. I don't have cancer on either side of the family. But here is where my choice to not have children hurts me. If you haven't had children by the age of 25, your risk for breast cancer increases significantly. Great. I just love the way docs give you 6 freaking months to think about it, too. It's like that first call back. Oh, we see something, and you need to come in for another one. Oh, by the way, we don't have anything available for over a week. Are you kidding me?! That was a horrible, horrible week. And everytime I walk in that place, I just want to be sick.

Anyway, I pushed all that aside, called a friend in Smyrna to see if she wanted to plant shop with me. My WalMart, and my Home Depot were both flooded, so I drove an hour across town to plant shop. I had a pleasant afternoon, spent more than my gift cards but got some beautiful perennials that I know I will love. I came home, unpacked all my new plants, and came in to finish some work in the office.

Around 9 this evening, my yard guy knocks on the door. He had seen the plants & such. Wanted to finish a project I paid for last week in the morning, talked about my lawn needing mowing and another project that I had mentioned to him. Then he wants to know if I can go ahead and give him $20 tonight. A) I don't have it. I don't keep a lot of cash. B) I've learned that lesson. Anytime I pay him before a project is done (like the one I paid for last week, or my bathroom painting), he either waits a week or so to finish or never does. Which is why a couple of plants that I bought last year died. I tell him that I will have to run to the bank tomorrow, and he gets all testy about it. Starts talking about being tired of being broke, needs cigarettes, etc. Says he was going to start my projects before I got up in the morning, to beat the heat, blah blah blah. Right. The heat? The whopping 65 degrees and partly cloudy day tomorrow. When did it become my responsibility to make sure he has money? I don't even know his last name. I paid him almost $60 for stuff on Monday. I don't have money to just throw around, and I hate the way he seems to think I do. Just ruins the whole thing for me. And makes me not want to hire him for projects when I do have the money for them.

So that's been my day. In comparison to others, I'm just being whiny. But it gets you down. You know? And the stuff about the ex, and the mammogram? I can't talk about that to just anyone. I've never even told my family about the mammograms. I figure I will if it ever goes beyond "we want to look at it again." I hate feeling this way.

On the other hand, I have vacation coming in 12 days. The boy was planning to go with me. Not sure if he still will, seeing that he's been in the music industry here for over a decade, and knows a lot of the sound companies & artists who were flooded out. From what I hear, Rascal Flatts lost about all of their equipment and he was with them for over three years. He's been a busy boy, and I will understand if he can't go. He was supposed to meet one of my oldest friends on this trip. It was originally a girl's trip, and I invited him to go along. So if he can't go, I won't be there alone. But if the next two weeks are anything like today, I'm desperately going to need that vacation. Desperately. :(

The dangers of feeling lonely

I'm not really lonely. It's more a case of a relationship not going the way I wanted it to. Actually, it couldn't be further away from what I wanted at the moment. And I have a LOT of time invested in that relationship, so it's still hard to let go. But there are those moments when it's really got you down, and you almost make a bad decision. Contact someone you know you shouldn't. Reach out to someone that would be very bad for you. All because you feel like you need someone right now. Luckily, I recognized the feeling before I hit Send on the email, but it still isn't a comfortable feeling. Tempting though.

Weekend Outing

So I dragged myself out of the house this weekend. I called a friend, and we took her kids (3 and 1) to the Frist Arts Center. Yeah, I know what you're thinking and no, we're not crazy! The second floor is called ArtQuest, and it is completely set up for kids to do painting, drawing and different things. The little one fell asleep, and the three year old was patient while we looked. But she loved the art center.

Personally I was disappointed in the museum. For starters, when you feature a particular painter (Georgia O'Keefe), you should have more than tree paintings and a photograph. The rest of it was my own personal perception, I guess. This was my first art museum. I expected something more formal, I guess. Something dramatic, maybe even luxurious. Anything other than white walls, glaring bright lights, and stark interiors.

When all is said and done, I would rather go to a botanical garden. :)