Sigh. . . .

I don't post here often, I know. Mostly just when I want to say something I can't say on facebook. I'm just frustrated with some things. And ashamed that it bothers me, when other people have such serious things going on in their life.

This morning, I woke up feeling really good. Sun was shining, it wasn't too hot, and I was going plant shopping. :) I love to garden. I was so looking forward to slipping some veggie plants in with my flowers, spreading the soil, digging and getting dirty in that way that you can only get when growing things. Seriously,I love the smell of dirt when I am planting so I was really happy. And I needed that. Watching the devastation here in Nashville this past week has been so emotional for me. I finally had to turn off the news, and take it in small doses.

Anyway, morning was looking great. Then I sign on to facebook. Message in my inbox. Hmmm...Mom? Sister? (she's finally forgiven me.) College roommates about our upcoming weekend trip? Nope. None of those. My ex-husband. Yet another email about how he's going through yet another 12 step program, and needs to make amends. You know, I thought I had gotten to that point where I could say I've forgiven. Not forgotten but forgiven. Obviously not, because that email has bothered me all day. I hate it. I don't believe it. I think he is fishing for a weak spot. Thats the kind of person he is. He's looking for an opening. Sound bitter, don't I? God, I thought I had moved past that. I really had. I want to wish him well. I wish I believed he was really trying this time. But I don't. I can't. And I hate that he had the power to change my mood.

Then I checked my voicemail. I forgot that I had a message from yesterday. It was my doctor's office. Last year, just before vacation in Sept, I had my first mammogram. When I got back, they called and had me come in again because they saw something. Then again three months later. And again last month. That was supposed to be the last one. But now they want another one in six months. And the doctor wants to see me on the same day. I work for a cancer care company. Every day I walk pass a picture of one of our first patients. She agreed to be a part of a breast cancer project, the one where women posed nude after a mastectomy. I hear stories all the time. So that phone call terrifies me. I don't have cancer on either side of the family. But here is where my choice to not have children hurts me. If you haven't had children by the age of 25, your risk for breast cancer increases significantly. Great. I just love the way docs give you 6 freaking months to think about it, too. It's like that first call back. Oh, we see something, and you need to come in for another one. Oh, by the way, we don't have anything available for over a week. Are you kidding me?! That was a horrible, horrible week. And everytime I walk in that place, I just want to be sick.

Anyway, I pushed all that aside, called a friend in Smyrna to see if she wanted to plant shop with me. My WalMart, and my Home Depot were both flooded, so I drove an hour across town to plant shop. I had a pleasant afternoon, spent more than my gift cards but got some beautiful perennials that I know I will love. I came home, unpacked all my new plants, and came in to finish some work in the office.

Around 9 this evening, my yard guy knocks on the door. He had seen the plants & such. Wanted to finish a project I paid for last week in the morning, talked about my lawn needing mowing and another project that I had mentioned to him. Then he wants to know if I can go ahead and give him $20 tonight. A) I don't have it. I don't keep a lot of cash. B) I've learned that lesson. Anytime I pay him before a project is done (like the one I paid for last week, or my bathroom painting), he either waits a week or so to finish or never does. Which is why a couple of plants that I bought last year died. I tell him that I will have to run to the bank tomorrow, and he gets all testy about it. Starts talking about being tired of being broke, needs cigarettes, etc. Says he was going to start my projects before I got up in the morning, to beat the heat, blah blah blah. Right. The heat? The whopping 65 degrees and partly cloudy day tomorrow. When did it become my responsibility to make sure he has money? I don't even know his last name. I paid him almost $60 for stuff on Monday. I don't have money to just throw around, and I hate the way he seems to think I do. Just ruins the whole thing for me. And makes me not want to hire him for projects when I do have the money for them.

So that's been my day. In comparison to others, I'm just being whiny. But it gets you down. You know? And the stuff about the ex, and the mammogram? I can't talk about that to just anyone. I've never even told my family about the mammograms. I figure I will if it ever goes beyond "we want to look at it again." I hate feeling this way.

On the other hand, I have vacation coming in 12 days. The boy was planning to go with me. Not sure if he still will, seeing that he's been in the music industry here for over a decade, and knows a lot of the sound companies & artists who were flooded out. From what I hear, Rascal Flatts lost about all of their equipment and he was with them for over three years. He's been a busy boy, and I will understand if he can't go. He was supposed to meet one of my oldest friends on this trip. It was originally a girl's trip, and I invited him to go along. So if he can't go, I won't be there alone. But if the next two weeks are anything like today, I'm desperately going to need that vacation. Desperately. :(